Moving on up.

Last week was difficult. I was having a hard time in my personal, non-school life: lots of emotions, not a lot of sleeping or eating. Not the best way for this week to be. It was already going to be stressful, even if everything else in my life was absolutely wonderful, or even neutral, & it was definitely not either of those. The fact that I got through it all ok makes me feel pretty good about myself & my ability to function under less than ideal conditions. Saying all that makes me feel weird. I'm not really comfortable being my own cheerleader, but I'm trying to get better at that. It was a temporary situation & things have gotten better & I know the next few weeks will be easier.

Tuesday was the perm test, which I wrote about in the last post, & I got a B+. Wednesday we had a written test on haircutting: pretty easy & I got an A. Also on Wednesday, we had our state board head test. This was one of the two I was most nervous about, because, unlike the perm test, it had things in it that I just am plain not good at. With the perms, I'm ok, I'm just not the fastest. But this...I just had to take a deep breath & go. I was exhausted & distracted &, well, maybe that works for me, because I did the best job on it that I ever have. My ridge curl actually had a ridge! My roller placements were, in fact, judged to be perfect! I really love rollers so that made me feel particularly proud & happy. So I got an A on that (the picture at the top is my state board head, showing the ridge curl side). And then on Thursday we had the 300 hour exam (meaning we've been in school 300 hours, not that it was an exam that took 300 hours to complete). I barely studied for this, just while I was in school, because of my aforementioned difficult times, so I was a little worried that I might do badly. In the end, though, I did just fine & got another B+. This one exam accounts for 75% of our grade, so I'm assuming I have a B+ish overall. Hmm, or maybe an A? I assume they'll tell us our grades at some point. We have more exams like this at 600, 900, & 1200 hours (when we get to 1500, we're done & take the state board exams, though we may also have some sort of school final as well). I can only hope to do as well on those as I did on these. The best thing about these tests is that everyone passed (one person-coughBitchyBitchcough-flunked the perm test, but passed enough of everything else to pass) & so we're all moving on to the clinic floor together. I couldn't feel as happy if that weren't the case. I was especially worried about my neighbor, Sabina, who really struggles with English (she's Korean) & therefore all the written tests (while being the most amazing natural at all the practical stuff). But she passed, too, hooray! People who have missed more than a few days have to stay behind in the classroom at first but we should all be out there by the beginning of next week.

This Tuesday, the majority of the class, including me, will be out on the clinic floor, cutting hair for real, live, paying customers. This is very nearly terror-inducing. Obviously it's what we've all been waiting for & wanting, but now that it's here, I think everyone is scared. I know I am. Above all, for everyone I think, is the fear of failure, the fear of messing up, of being embarrassed, or doing something that looks or seems or is stupid. A very wise man named Chris Rossi once told me I needed to get over my "fear of sucking" (the context being that I didn't want to do karaoke) because all that fear does is hold you back. That's so true, that kind of fear does nothing for you. I try to rid myself of it, but it hovers there & stops me from doing some things that I'd like to do. However, it won't stop me here. At some point on Tuesday, they're going to hand me my first yellow ticket, with the client's name & the service they've come in for written on it, & I have to go out to the waiting room & call them in, take them back to my station (#42!), & do whatever it is they need done.